MURPHY LAWS

0) - "This won't hurt, I promise."

1) - "Nothing improves with age."

2) - "A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first."

3) - "A bird in hand is safer than one overhead."

4) - "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works."

5) - "A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make."

6) - "A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection."

7) - "A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her."

8) - "A man in the house is worth two in the street."

9) - "A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride."

10) - "A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost."

11) - "A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants."

12) - "A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth."

13) - "A short cut is always the longest distance between 2 points."

14) - "A Smith & Wesson beats four aces."

15) - "A woman never forgets the men she could have had, a man, the women he couldn't."

16) - "Abstain from wine, women, and song, mostly song."

17) - "Addition to Murphy's Laws In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right..."

18) - "After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done."

19) - "After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench."

20) - "After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before."

21) - "All Constants are Variables."

22) - "All great discoveries are made by mistake."

23) - "All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door."

24) - "All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own."

25) - "All warranties expire upon payment of invoice."

26) - "All's well that ends."

27) - "Always draw your curves, then plot your reading."

28) - "An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job."

29) - "An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing."

30) - "An item ,or items, ability to become tangled is inversely proportional to its length and to the length you go to to prevent it from

becoming tangled."

31) - "Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are

still under development."

32) - "Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm."

33) - "Any given computer program will expand to fill all available memory."

34) - "Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run."

35) - "Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory."

36) - "Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner."

37) - "Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way."

38) - "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

39) - "Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable."

40) - "Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center."

41) - "Any wire cut to length will be too short."

42) - "Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing."

43) - "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening."

44) - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and at the worst possible moment."

45) - "Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing."

46) - "Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought."

47) - "At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."

48) - "Availability is a function of time."

49) - "Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone."

50) - "Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the bone."

51) - "Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs."

52) - "Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant."

53) - "Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it."

54) - "Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it."

55) - "Bullet proof vests might be."

56) - "But there is nothing exactly like it."

57) - "Celibacy is not hereditary."

58) - "Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day."

59) - "Coffee machines only brake down on the graveyard shift."

60) - "Computers are unreliable but humans are even more unreliable."

61) - "Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable."

62) - "Corollary, If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."

63) - "Corollary, Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem."

64) - "Do it only with the best."

65) - "Do unto others, but do it first."

66) - "Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."

67) - "Don't do it if you can't keep it up."

68) - "Don't worry about being rich or not, as long as you live comfortably and have everything you want."

69) - "Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

70) - "Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway."

71) - "Enough research will tend to support any theory."

72) - "Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction."

73) - "Every solution breeds new problems."

74) - "Everybody should believe in something. I believe i'll have another drink."

75) - "Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work."

76) - "Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work."

77) - "Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous"."

78) - "Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean."

79) - "Everything put together falls apart sooner or later."

80) - "Everything takes longer than you think."

81) - "Everything that goes up must come down."

82) - "Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

83) - "Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."

84) - "Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours."

85) - "Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps."

86) - "Following the rules will not get the job done."

87) - "Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off."

88) - "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."

89) - "Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules."

90) - "Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you."

91) - "Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift."

92) - "If a program is useful, it will have to be changed."

93) - "If a program is useless, it will have to be documented."

94) - "If an experiment works, something has gone wrong."

95) - "If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway."

96) - "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."

97) - "If at first you don't succeed, try again."

98) - "If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy

civilization."

99) - "If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods."

100) - "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

101) - "If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on."

102) - "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."

103) - "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is."

104) - "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

105) - "If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist."

106) - "If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number."

107) - "If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault."

108) - "If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't."

109) - "If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you."

110) - "If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog

stands on the moon."

111) - "If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. ,corr. to 1, The nicer someone is, the farther away ,s,he is from you."

112) - "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."

113) - "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."

114) - "If you are good, you will be assigned all the work."

115) - "If you are really good, you will get out of it."

116) - "If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."

117) - "If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious."

118) - "If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up."

119) - "If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."

120) - "If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for

direction."

121) - "If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way,

unprepared for, will promptly develop."

122) - "If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer available."

123) - "If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it."

124) - "If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it."

125) - "Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail."

126) - "In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. --- Work is accomplished by those who have not as

yet reached their level of incompetence."

127) - "In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks."

128) - "In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there."

129) - "In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there."

130) - "In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended."

131) - "In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."

132) - "In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4,30 p.m. on Friday."

133) - "In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it."

134) - "It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do."

135) - "It is always the wrong time of month."

136) - "It is better to be looked over than overlooked."

137) - "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

138) - "It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

139) - "It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."

140) - "It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden."

141) - "Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back."

142) - "Leak proof seals - will."

143) - "Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."

144) - "Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."

145) - "Love comes in spurts."

146) - "Love is a hole in the heart."

147) - "Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics."

148) - "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."

149) - "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

150) - "Love your neighbor, but don't get caught."

151) - "Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives."

152) - "Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value."

153) - "Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position."

154) - "Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many."

155) - "Murphy's Constant Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value Murphy's Law of Research Enough research will

tend to support your theory."

156) - "Murphy's golden rule, whoever has the gold makes the rules."

157) - "Murphy's Love Laws All the good ones are taken."

158) - "Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."

159) - "NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet."

160) - "Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference."

161) - "Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested."

162) - "Never ask two questions in a business letter."

163) - "Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."

164) - "Never eat prunes when you are famished."

165) - "Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight."

166) - "Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you."

167) - "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."

168) - "Never say no."

169) - "Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom"."

170) - "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself."

171) - "Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog."

172) - "Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of

pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases."

173) - "New systems generate new problems."

174) - "New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains."

175) - "Nice guys ,girls, finish last."

176) - "No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep."

177) - "No good deed goes unpunished."

178) - "No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session."

179) - "No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper."

180) - "No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again."

181) - "No matter how much you do, you never do enough."

182) - "No one gets sick on Wednesdays."

183) - "No one's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."

184) - "No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas."

185) - "No sex with anyone in the same office."

186) - "Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget."

187) - "Nothing improves with age."

188) - "Nothing is as easy as it looks."

189) - "Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself."

190) - "Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work."

191) - "Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way."

192) - "Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse."

193) - "Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can."

194) - "One good turn gets most of the blankets."

195) - "Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts."

196) - "People are always available for work in the past tense."

197) - "People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times."

198) - "People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't."

199) - "Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy."

200) - "Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it."

201) - "Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays."

202) - "Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws Everything goes wrong all at once."

203) - "Rule of Accuracy, When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer."

204) - "Self starters - will not."

205) - "If you are working on a car or other large piece of machinery which require tools, and you drop that tool it will always fall or

roll to the exact center under the object which will make it unreachable without having to move the object."

206) - "A bug is a very hungry animal, it feeds itself with your memory Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disc? The

last two laws were sent by Remco vanderZon The Laws of Computer Programming Any given program, when running, is obsolete."

207) - "Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."

208) - "Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly."

209) - "Sex has no calories."

210) - "Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning."

211) - "Sex is dirty only if it's done right."

212) - "Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."

213) - "Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last."

214) - "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation, the other eight are unimportant."

215) - "Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble."

216) - "Shatterproof flashlights seldom are."

217) - "Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse."

218) - "Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking."

219) - "Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book."

220) - "something is wrong."

221) - "Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, Then on Sunday pray for crop failure."

222) - "Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure."

223) - "Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud."

224) - "Technology is dominated by those who manage what they don't understand."

225) - "Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you."

226) - "Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."

227) - "The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them."

228) - "The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord."

229) - "The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it."

230) - "The best way to hold a man is in your arms."

231) - "The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke."

232) - "The boss is always right."

233) - "The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet."

234) - "The correct total will become self-evident at 8,15 a.m. on Monday."

235) - "The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management."

236) - "The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per

day in his pay, provided the profits allow it."

237) - "The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting."

238) - "The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time."

239) - "The first myth of management is that it exists."

240) - "The game of love is never called off on account of darkness."

241) - "The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee! No one's idea is a good idea until it

becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog."

242) - "The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong until the next person

quits or is fired."

243) - "The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance."

244) - "The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncomming train."

245) - "The longer the title, the less important the job."

246) - "The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on."

247) - "The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase."

248) - "The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else."

249) - "The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired."

250) - "The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings."

251) - "The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order."

252) - "The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."

253) - "The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization."

254) - "The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it! Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days

off."

255) - "The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you."

256) - "The only perfect science is hind- sight."

257) - "The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions."

258) - "The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm."

259) - "The other check-out line always moves faster -- and immediately slows down after you change lines."

260) - "The other line always moves faster."

261) - "The perfect marriage is between a deaf husband and a blind wife."

262) - "The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman."

263) - "The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later."

264) - "The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small."

265) - "The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet."

266) - "The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before."

267) - "The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other."

268) - "The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer."

269) - "The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman."

270) - "the two cars are going in opposite directions, and they will always meet at the bridge."

271) - "The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output."

272) - "The world does not revolve on an axis."

273) - "The younger the better."

274) - "Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

275) - "There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives."

276) - "There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over."

277) - "There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love."

278) - "There is no remedy for sex but more sex."

279) - "There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss."

280) - "There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex."

281) - "There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office."

282) - "There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over."

283) - "Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood."

284) - "To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."

285) - "To err is human, to forgive is not company policy."

286) - "To error is human, to forgive is against department policy."

287) - "To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression, Freudian Psychology."

288) - "To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most."

289) - "Toothaches tend to start on Friday night."

290) - "Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density."

291) - "Virginity can be cured."

292) - "Waterproof boots aren't."

293) - "We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything."

294) - "Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break."

295) - "What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick."

296) - "When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly."

297) - "When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him."

298) - "When all else fails, read the instructions."

299) - "When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone

Ranger handle this?"."

300) - "When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate."

301) - "When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves."

302) - "When the lights are out, all women are beautiful."

303) - "When the plane you are on is late, your connecting flight is on time."

304) - "When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried."

305) - "Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition."

306) - "Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first."

307) - "Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit."

308) - "Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done."

309) - "Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling."

310) - "You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk."

311) - "You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray."

312) - "You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."

313) - "You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track."

314) - "You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women."

315) - "You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter."

316) - "You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation."

317) - "You will always find something in the last place you look."

318) - "You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like."

319) - "You will find a "police discount" one day before payday."

320) - "You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training."

321) - "You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station."

322) - "You will remain in perfect health until your days off."

323) - "You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away."

324) - "You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions."

325) - "Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder."

326) - "Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff."

327) - "Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket."

328) - "Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit."

329) - "Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat."